Many people struggle with finding their life direction. While finding your purpose in life might sound like a luxury, or a pursuit best left to philosophers or spiritual seekers, most people want to feel that their lives have meaning. If you’re struggling to find meaning in your life, what do you do? We’re talking with Jane Rubin, Ph.D., about how to go about finding your life purpose.
Don’t you think trying to find your purpose in life means having your head in the clouds? Why is it practical to think about this?
“Life direction” or “life purpose” can sound like very abstract concepts. When I use those terms, I’m talking about people’s need to find out what matters to them in life. The things that matter to people—work, relationships, religion, community, or some interest or activity that engages them-- aren’t abstract at all. They’re very concrete. And they make the difference between feeling that your life has meaning and worrying, as some of my patients do, that, “I’m wasting my life”.That said, some people make finding their purpose more complicated than it needs to be. We’re sometimes taught to believe that there’s something we’re “meant” to do in life. This belief can make people feel like there must be something out there for them somewhere if only they know how to find it. They then become frustrated when they don’t discover it.It’s similar to the way some people feel about relationships. They’re sure the right person is out there, but they don’t know how to find them. In fact, it’s only after we’ve been in a relationship that’s working that we come to feel that we were “meant” to be in that relationship all along. If we hadn’t happened to meet the person we’re with, we probably would have met someone else. So, there’s not one purpose or one relationship that’s right for you. You discover what matters to you by doing things, by being in relationships, and so on. Not by trying to find the “right” one.
What kind of people do you work with?
A wide variety of people, actually. Some are young people who are trying to figure out what direction to take as they start out in life. Some are middle-aged people who are feeling dissatisfied with the direction they’ve taken and are thinking about doing something new. And some are people who have retired and want to figure out how to have a meaningful life now that they’re not working.
What Holds These People Back?
A lot of what holds people back is very specific to them. That’s something I’ll talk about in my next blog post. The reason therapy often works for people who are looking for direction in life is that the more general advice they’ve been given hasn’t been specific enough to their situation to really be useful to them. However, there are a few things that consistently hold people back from being able to find their life purpose:
Confusion
It can be overwhelming and confusing to think about what you want to do with your life. How do you even go about it? What do you do if you’re torn in different directions? What if nothing really speaks to you?
Practicality
If you’ve identified what you want to do, how do you make it happen? How do you find the road that will take you from where you are to where you want to be?
Fear
This is the most important one, in my experience. Many people are overcome by the fear that they won’t be able to find something that matters to them or that, if they do, they won’t be able to do it. These fears can take many forms.You may be afraid to give up a secure paycheck to do something that might not work out. You may be afraid that you won’t be good enough at what you choose to do. You may be afraid that, once you do it, you won’t find it as meaningful as you expected it to be. These kinds of fears can be paralyzing and can keep people from finding a path and pursuing it.
What’s your advice for those searching for their purpose?
The most important thing is to begin to identify what matters to you. To do this, you sometimes need to set aside practical considerations and focus on what you really care about. There will be plenty of time to think about the practical issues once you have a good idea of what really makes a difference to you.I also think it’s important, as you begin this process, not to become too narrowly focused on one or two specific possibilities. Don’t immediately try to find a match between what matters to you and what kinds of opportunities seem to be out there in the world. Give yourself time to find what you really care about. Again, this doesn’t mean just sitting and contemplating. Be willing to try things to see what fits.Finally, it’s really important to know that nothing is going to be a perfect fit all the time. Every job requires people to do things they don’t like. Every relationship involves conflict. Even the activities that interest you the most don’t interest you all the time. If you refuse to let the perfect be the enemy of the good, you’ll stand a better chance of finding what gives your life meaning.Click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.