Can Changing the Stories I Tell Myself Help with Depression?

What kinds of stories do you hear people who are depressed telling themselves?

I recently read a very interesting article, “Two Ways to Be Happy.” It argues that the stories we tell ourselves about our lives influence how we feel about ourselves.According to the article, there are two types of stories we tell ourselves about why things are they way they are. In the first kind of story, we tell ourselves that we feel bad because circumstances beyond our control are making us feel bad. If we’re depressed, it’s because we have a bad job or a bad relationship. We’ve been dealt a bad hand and there’s nothing we can do about it.In the second kind of story, we try to understand how we’re responding to our circumstances. How did we come to be stuck in this job or this relationship? Why do we feel that we can’t do anything to change them?The point of this kind of reflection isn’t to blame ourselves for our circumstances. However, it does potentially open up a space for us to make a change in how we feel about them—and, perhaps, to change them. For example, if you feel that you’re stuck in your job because you’re a loser, and that being a loser is just a fact about you, you won’t be able to think about getting a better job. You’ll just assume that, because you’re a loser, whatever job you get will be no better than the one you currently have.On the other hand, if you can see that you feel like a loser because you have a story about yourself that tells you you’re a loser, you can start asking yourself why you tell yourself that particular story. You can start to see that feeling like a loser doesn’t mean being a loser. Changing your story changes the possibilities that are open to you.

Can it be hard to let go of a story you’ve been telling yourself for a long time, even if that story is painful?

Yes. We get invested in our stories for a reason. Even very painful stories serve some purpose for us. For example, people whose stories reinforce the idea that there’s something wrong with them may have had a parent who was very critical of them. By adopting that parent’s story about them, they feel that they are being loyal to their parent.One of the things I found most interesting in the article was the finding that people who are in relationships tend to find it easier to change their stories than people who aren’t. I’d like to think that this applies to therapy relationships as well as intimate relationships.It can be really difficult to change your story on your own, especially if you don’t have anyone in your life who can offer you a different, better perspective on yourself. And a bad relationship can reinforce old, negative stories about yourself. If you’re stuck in a story about yourself that tells you that you should feel bad about yourself, chances are that you’re going to find relationships that confirm that story. Ideally, a therapy relationship can help with depression by becoming a template for experiencing yourself in a new, more positive way.

Is there a point at which changing your story isn’t enough, and you need to find a way to change your real circumstances? How can therapy help with depression?

I think being able to change your circumstances, and being able to tell yourself a different story about yourself, are often very closely related. A number of years ago, I worked with a woman whose husband was physically abusive to her. She would leave him for a few days but she would always go back. She couldn’t understand why she kept coming back until she realized that she felt like every terrible thing he was saying about her was true.For people who are being abused, getting out of the relationship is crucial. But, often, they can’t bring themselves to do it until their story about themselves starts to change.Therapy can help with depression because it offers you a chance to ask whether changing the way you understand your circumstances can make things better. If that’s the case, the issue really is helping you to change your story. If the answer to that question is no—if your circumstances are really bad and, to have any hope of feeling better, you need to get out—you need the emotional support to be able to make that decision.Some people are tempted to leave without understanding what got them into a bad situation in the first place. Those people run the risk of leaving one bad situation for another. Other people have trouble leaving a situation they know is bad for them. They need help developing a story about themselves that will motivate them to leave. Click to learn more about depression therapy and treatment with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.