How do the decisions we make affect our self-esteem?
I recently read an article about decision-making and self-esteem that makes a really interesting point. It says that when we’re making important decisions, we often only think about practical issues, such as how much a job pays or whether it gives us enough vacation time. We rarely ask, “What kind of person do I want to be? Am I going to be able to be that kind of person in this job or this relationship?”Life choices that increase self-esteem help us to become the people we want to be. They allow us to express what we value in life, what matters most to us. Asking yourself who you want to be when you’re considering jobs, relationships, and other big life choices means understanding what you really value about yourself, and the way you want to relate to others—factors that aren’t as cut and dried as salary and vacation time.I worked with someone this week* who has a job he really likes as a manager in a financial services corporation. He recently found out that half of the people he hired in the fall are going to be laid off at the end of the year. His employers have asked him not to disclose this information to the employees.My client is an honest and truthful person who isn’t willing to deceive other people in this way. If his bosses aren’t willing to inform the employees, he doesn’t feel he can continue in his job. The issue here isn’t that he doesn’t enjoy his work or find it challenging. It has nothing to do with what he’s being paid. The issue is that keeping the layoffs a secret requires him to be the kind of person he doesn’t want to be, and that is intolerable to him.
How can you use decision making to increase self-esteem? What makes that difficult?
In addition to asking all the questions you normally ask yourself—the more objective questions about salary, vacation time, and so on—you also need to look at more subjective factors. You need to think about your choices in terms of what’s most important to you as a person. In general, I think you feel better and increase self-esteem when you take your values into account, just as much as you take these other factors into account.
Can you lose touch with yourself, if you’re making decisions based on more objective criteria, without asking who you want to be?
Yes. If your self-esteem is low to begin with, you may feel that you don’t deserve to have a job or a relationship that will allow you to be the person you want to be.Add to this the fact that the predominant tendency in our culture is to only ask questions like, “What would I enjoy?” or “Where can I make the most money?” at the expense of more personal questions about what you value, and you have a recipe for losing touch with yourself and what matters to you.I should also add that living in accord with your values is not the only way to increase self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from many sources. Knowing that other people value us for who we are, even when we don’t live up to our ideals, is an equally important way for us to feel good about ourselves.But, in our culture especially, I think we tend to overlook the role that living up to our ideals contributes to our sense of self-esteem. To go back to my client, who is being told to keep the layoffs a secret: If he successfully challenges his employer, and is able to be honest with his employees, he’ll make their lives better. He’ll also feel better about himself because he hasn’t compromised his values. He will have found a way to increase self-esteem by refusing to sacrifice his principles.*All identifying information has been disguised to protect the identity of the person I’m describing. This example is for illustrative purposes only. Click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.