Why do some successful people, who have little or no history of failure, constantly worry that they’re about to fail? In this post, Jane Rubin, PhD., talks about how this kind of chronic anxiety can be rooted in love for a parent who feels like a failure.
What have you learned about clients who experience a high degree of anxiety about their ability to succeed?
I’ve worked with a number of people who are quite successful in their careers, but who always feel anxious that they’re about to fail. The common anxiety that emerges, despite these clients’ very different career paths, is that, despite their track record of success, catastrophic failure is always right around the corner.
Often these clients feel that they just need one more accomplishment to banish their anxiety forever. If they can just get a promotion, or publish an article, or get a gig, they’ll feel fine. But, as soon as they accomplish their goal, their anxiety returns. No matter what they do, they can never dispel the feeling that it’s not enough.
What’s the connection between these clients’ anxiety and their relationship with their parents?
A very large percentage of these clients had a parent who didn’t achieve his goals or didn't realize her dreams. These parents had the clear expectation that their children–or, at least, one of their children–would succeed where they failed.
In all the cases I can think of, the children have done better than their parents, sometimes spectacularly so, and their parents have generally been pleased with their accomplishments. Nonetheless, my clients don’t feel successful–or, better, they feel that, despite their evident success, they haven’t accomplished enough, and that the prospect of catastrophic failure is therefore always right around the corner.
All of these patients were very aware that their parents were unhappy with the way their lives had turned out. Consciously or not, my patients took it upon themselves to try to make their parents happy by having the kind of success that had eluded them. Success became a way of redeeming their parents’ chronic unhappiness.
This is why their sense of success is so fragile. The goal isn’t just to get promoted or published or to get a prestigious performing gig. The goal is to make their parents feel better about their lives. And this is a goal over which my clients have no control.
Is this goal what you mean about anxiety being a form of love?
Yes. It’s precisely because these clients love their parents that they care so much about making them happy. And it’s why recognizing that they can’t make their parents happy is so difficult for them. Giving up on the project of making their parents happy feels tantamount to no longer loving their parents. So they remain anxious as a way of continuing to love them.
Of course, my patients’ anxiety doesn’t make my patients’ parents feel better. It only makes my patients feel worse. But, on some level, they feel that that’s the price they have to pay for maintaining an emotional connection with an unhappy parent.
What’s the response as patients start working this out?
In the beginning, patients usually find the idea that their anxiety is a way of redeeming their parents’ unhappiness at least somewhat preposterous. It usually doesn’t make any sense to them. So the process usually involves a combination of looking at their actual situation–for example, that, not only has their boss never expressed disappointment in them; they’ve always praised them as a model employee–and thinking about what other places this fear might be coming from. At a certain point, it becomes more possible for them to entertain the idea that the “failure” they’re really afraid of is the failure to make their parents happy. That’s usually the only goal they haven’t been able to achieve because it’s impossible to achieve it.
Once we’ve reached that point in the process, it becomes easier for them to think about whether it’s worth suffering as much as they do for an unattainable goal, and about all the ways that they actually can stay emotionally connected to their parents without sacrificing their own mental health.
So how do you help your patients move forward?
Every patient’s form of anxious attachment to an unhappy parent is different, so different things work for different people. But the most important goal is to help each person realize how much suffering their anxiety is causing them, and to help them realize that this suffering is completely unnecessary. It doesn’t help them; it doesn’t help their parent. The more they’re able to recognize that their anxiety isn’t ultimately about pleasing their boss, but about pleasing their parent, the easier it is for them to overcome this debilitating form of anxiety.
Are you struggling with chronic anxiety? Please click to learn more about anxiety treatment with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.
Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay, and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.