In a recent podcast, Michelle Obama acknowledged that COVID-19, and the ongoing struggle for racial justice in America, have left her feeling depressed at times. Many people seemed to take comfort in the fact that a woman who always seems so on top of her life was struggling with the same feelings they are. In this distressing time, it can sometimes be difficult to sort out what you’re feeling. Is it clinical depression? Is it grief? Jane Rubin, Ph.D. talks about how to understand what you’re feeling in this stressful time.
What’s the Difference Between Grief and Clinical Depression?
The distinction isn’t clear-cut. Often, people experience both at the same time. But depression, as I understand it, always involves a sense of hopelessness about the future. That’s something many people are experiencing right now in every important area of life.I know young people who are preparing for future careers who are very worried that the work they’re being trained to do isn’t going to continue to exist in any meaningful way. For example, I know people who are training for careers in science who are afraid that the current anti-science attitudes that seem to animate many Americans mean that we’ll no longer invest in important scientific research in this country. I also know people who were dating before COVID hit. Now they despair of finding a relationship when they can’t leave their apartments.And I know many people who worry about their children’s futures. What will their social relationships look like when almost all their relationships have been on screens for a year or more? How much ground have they lost educationally? What about all the children who don’t have access to the internet? Where will they be a year or more from now?Not all of these people are suffering from clinical depression. But there’s definitely an element of depression in the feelings of uncertainty that begin to border on hopelessness.
How Does Grief Affect People?
Grief, on the other hand, is a response to loss. People who know that they’ll see their grandchildren again at some point are, nevertheless, grieving about all of the time they’ve missed and won’t get back. People who didn’t get to have in-person graduations or weddings or reunions are mourning those losses. As time goes on, more and more people are grieving experiences and opportunities they’ll never get back. Here in Northern California, we’re grieving for all the people who have lost their homes in the wildfires.And, of course, the largest share of grief is the grief we feel for the (now approaching 200,000) people who have died of COVID who didn’t have to, and who died without being able to have their loved ones with them.
How Do You Approach Talking About These Issues?
As we all know, grief grows through stages. It’s important to honor each stage and not try to skip over any of them.First of all, it’s important to let yourself experience your grief and not try to deny it. The losses we’re experiencing now are real. Life as we knew it before the pandemic isn’t coming back. The experiences we’ve missed aren’t coming back. We need to acknowledge that reality if we’re going to be able to move forward.At the same time, it’s important to remember that things will eventually get better. In 2008, the Zen retreat center I go to every summer experienced a terrible fire. My friends and I were in the first group to be able to go after the fire. When we drove the last ten miles to the retreat center, the entire landscape looked like a moonscape. For miles around, all we could see were burned trees and gray ash. It felt like it would never be the same again.The next year when we drove in, the mountains were covered with wildflowers. We found out later that they were a specific kind of wildflower that only blooms after wildfires. And, over the succeeding years, even though the burned trees remained, the landscape largely returned to what it had been before the fire.So, even though we don’t know what things will look like when we finally get through this crisis, it’s important to remember that things will get better in ways we can’t currently foresee. We’re already seeing some intimations of this. During this time, we’ve seen the rise of social justice movements like Black Lives Matter. The pandemic seems to have made people want to be more active in combating injustice, not less. So, even when things feel increasingly dark, it’s important to remember that occasions for hope can spring up in unanticipated ways.
Is There Anything People Can Do in the Moment When Struggling with These Issues?
I think social contact is really important. In this time of sheltering in place, it can be very easy to feel isolated. We’re fortunate to live at a time when face to face communication is possible even when we can’t be together physically. I think it’s very important for people to limit their time on social media--especially on “doom scrolling”, as it’s now being called-- and to spend time with other people. We know how comforting it is to have other people around when we lose someone we love. It’s also comforting during this time of collective loss. We’re all in this together, and we need to be able to share our struggles and our hopes with each other if we’re going to be able to get to a better place.Are you struggling with clinical depression? Please click to learn more about depression therapy and treatment with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay, and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.