When we think about anxiety disorders, we usually think about how they affect the individuals who suffer from them. We don’t think as much about how they affect those peoples’ relationships. Jane Rubin, Ph.D., has some insights about the impact anxiety can have on relationships-- in particular, through the phenomenon known as “mind-reading.”
What is Mind Reading?
I only came across this phrase recently, but it captures something that I’ve observed in many people who have anxiety disorders. I’ve especially seen it with people who have social anxiety or various types of obsessive-compulsive anxieties. These individuals are often very preoccupied with what other people think of them. They’re convinced that other people are constantly judging them negatively.
Why Is This A Problem?
That’s a really good question. Of course, it’s always important to be aware of how our actions affect other people. If we hurt someone’s feelings, or do something that could harm another person, we want to acknowledge our actions and repair the damage we’ve caused.
But people who have obsessive-compulsive anxieties or social anxiety are constantly imagining that they’ve offended other people when they haven’t done anything. They’re often convinced that they must have done something wrong, even when they have no idea what it could be. As a result, they’re constantly preoccupied with what other people think of them. They're constantly seeking reassurance from other people that they haven’t done anything wrong.
This can become a problem in relationships in two ways. First, no matter how much and how often they are reassured, the feeling never lasts. As soon as they begin to have doubts about something else they think they’ve done wrong, they seek reassurance again. Needless to say, this can become exhausting for the person asked to provide reassurance. They can feel powerless to help their partner, friend, or relative, and the relationship can feel increasingly strained.
The second problem is that people who constantly worry about the criticism of others often feel that relationships generally aren’t safe. They can isolate themselves because they’re convinced that everyone is thinking negatively about them. The more they isolate themselves, the less chance they have to disconfirm their fears and it becomes more difficult to have satisfying relationships.
Why Is Mind Reading Even An Issue?
Mind reading doesn’t just negatively affect relationships with other people. It’s also a symptom of our negative relationship with ourselves. I think mind-reading is usually a symptom of a person’s sense of shame.
Essentially, if I think something is really wrong with me I might be convinced that other people think that, too. This is what shame is really about. If my feelings of shame are deep and pervasive, I’ll be convinced that other people can see through me. I'll believe that, despite whatever front I put up, they’ll see that I’m a “bad” person.
Thus, mind reading is an issue because it points us towards the feelings of shame that are motivating it. In order to reduce a person’s tendency to engage in mind-reading, we need to reduce their sense of shame.
Do You Have Any Examples?
I have a lot of them. I have patients who bring in emails they’ve written because they’re afraid that they might have used an incorrect word. They fear the recipient will reject them because of it. The emails are always perfectly written and the recipients are often known to the client for years. But they’re convinced that the relationship may be over because of their word choice.
I have other patients who are very physically attractive, but who remain convinced that there must be something weird about their appearance. They worry that other people are commenting about them behind their backs.
There seems to be an infinite variety of types of mind-reading. Yet, they all reflect a sense of shame and their worry. They live fearing they will be found out and rejected.
How Can You Treat These Patients?
I think the most important thing is to address the feelings of shame. This isn’t something that happens right away. Patients bring their anxieties about shame for therapy sessions. Often, we need to reassure them for a significant amount of time before patients will feel safe enough to explore the deeper issues with us. But, eventually, addressing the shame issue is essential if patients are going to experience deep and lasting relief from their anxiety.
Click to learn more about anxiety therapy and treatment with Dr. Jane Rubin.
Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.