Many of us feel hopeless from time to time. But if hopelessness feels like your constant companion, you may be depressed. We’re talking with Dr. Jane Rubin about depression and hopelessness, and how to get help if you’re struggling.
Is there a Difference Between Depression and Hopelessness?
Good question! Not everyone who occasionally feels hopeless is depressed. It’s easy to feel hopeless if you’re looking for an affordable apartment in the Bay Area, or if dating apps aren’t working for you, or you can’t get past the first round of job interviews. All of us face situations in our lives that can make us feel hopeless.
If you’re depressed, however, you’re not just feeling hopeless about specific, time-limited situations. When you’re depressed, hopelessness colors every aspect of your life and you feel that nothing can ever get better.
How Would You Define Hopelessness?
I think feeling hopeless means feeling that there’s no possibility that anything in your life is going to get better. It’s like you’re trapped in a dark cave where there’s no light and you can’t find any way out.
This Sounds A Lot Like Powerlessness
I think it is. People who are hopeless and depressed feel that there’s nothing they can do to change their situation. Sometimes, they feel like they’ve lost the will to do what they need to do to make their lives better. It’s not that they’ve permanently lost their will, I think. It’s that they feel that nothing they do will be effective, so they give up.
That Must Be Very Difficult. How Do You Work with These Clients?
I don’t think therapists can help their patients if they aren’t willing to feel their patients’ emotional pain. That can certainly be difficult. But, ultimately, it’s rewarding if therapists can avoid making two basic mistakes:
Some therapists experience the reality of their patients’ pain so deeply that they get caught up in the feelings of hopelessness and start to feel that they can’t help them. This is especially true if the therapist herself is prone to depression. It’s really a double-edged sword. Therapists who have experienced depression may be able to empathize with their patients because they have a personal sense of what they’re going through. However, if they give in to the feelings of hopelessness, they won’t be able to help their patients regain a sense of possibility in their lives.
Some therapists have the opposite problem. Because their patients’ feelings of hopelessness are intolerable to them, they encourage patients to think positively without acknowledging how terrible their patients feel. Depressed patients need us to carry a feeling of hope. But, if it feels that we’re not getting how bad things feel, they’ll lose faith that we can help them.
For me, one of the most critical aspects—if not the most critical aspect—of being able to help people who are depressed is to be able to see the possibilities the patient is unable to see. I’m not talking about fantasy possibilities. I’m talking about possibilities that are right in front of the patient’s eyes that her depression prevents her from seeing.
Do You Have Any Examples?
I do. I have a patient who designs products for a company that makes health care devices. When she had her annual review, her boss told her that she needed to take more risks in her work. She felt hurt and demoralized because she thought her boss was telling her that work wasn’t good enough. But, as we reviewed their conversation, it became clear to me that her boss thought her work was great—so great, in fact, that he thought she could afford to be less cautious and take more risks in designing her products.
Because my patient suffers from depression, she couldn’t see that her boss was complimenting her. Instead, she became convinced that her days at the company were numbered. However, as she came to see that her boss was actually on her side, she was also able to see how her depression is a lens that sometimes distorts her perceptions of situations. It makes things look negative when they’re actually positive. With that, she was able to see the possibilities for original projects that had been right in front of her. Her depression just hadn’t allowed her to see.
People who aren’t therapists often ask me how I can work with people who feel hopeless and depressed. I think they imagine that hopelessness is contagious. While it’s very difficult to see patients suffer, it’s enormously gratifying when they begin to regain a sense of hope and possibility.
If you’re currently feeling hopeless, I encourage you to find a therapist who can both sit with your pain and hold onto a sense of possibility until you’re able to experience it yourself.
Click to learn more about depression therapy and treatment with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.
Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.