“How can I change my life?” seems like such a huge question. How do you help clients narrow it down?The first question I ask is, “What is it you want to change?” Sometimes it’s something very specific but sometimes people say, “I need to change my work, my relationships, everything.” I tell them we can talk about all of these things, but it will be most useful to start with what’s bothering them the most. If they start out talking about a relationship, their concerns about work will come up at some point and it will usually turn out to be the case that there are a lot of similarities between their work issues and their relationship issues. Narrowing things down in the short run helps broaden the conversation in the long run.What do people most want to change in their lives? The most common one sounds like a cliché, but they want to feel better about themselves. Even when the problem is the job or the relationship, and even when someone comes to the conclusion that they need to get another job or make changes in their relationship, there are still reasons they chose this job or this relationship in the first place. If they don’t understand what led them to this unsatisfying place, they’re likely to get into another equally unsatisfying job or relationship. So, the more people can understand themselves and why they make the decisions they do, the more likely they are to feel better about their choices and themselves.A lot of us have tried the positive affirmation route. Does that approach actually help? Many people who come to therapy have tried that approach and found that it didn’t work for them. If it did work, they could just bombard themselves with positive affirmations and feel really happy with their lives. But there’s some reason the affirmations don’t really sink in. What’s getting in the way? People tend to think that they must not be doing it right and this becomes another reason for them to feel like there’s something wrong with them.How does therapy help?Many of the negative feelings people have about themselves developed in their early relationships with their families. One of my jobs as a therapist is to help people see that their feelings actually make sense; not because there really is something wrong with them, but because they came to the conclusion that something was wrong with them when their families, for whatever reasons, weren’t able to respond to them in the ways they most needed. If clients are able to experience me as someone who can respond to them in the ways they need, their expectations of relationships begin to change. And if they can start to recognize when I’m not responding to them the way they need me to, and they can have the experience and I can discuss their negative feelings without making them feel wrong for having them, the relationship itself can be very healing.Can’t a friend play that role?One advantage of a therapy relationship is it’s all about the client. The client doesn't have to worry that she’s not giving me time to talk about myself. She gets to use the time in the way that works best for her.Also, a therapy relationship gives people a chance to test out things that they might worry about testing in a friendship. For example if a client had parents who couldn’t tolerate his anger, he may be afraid that getting angry with a friend will ruin the relationship. But, over time, he may feel safe testing that out in a therapy relationship.Do we all need to change our lives?It varies tremendously. We all have to make changes as our life circumstances change. That’s just a part of life. But some people also feel more comfortable having a life that’s very predictable--doing the same things, hanging out with the same people and so on. Other people get really bored if they have to do the same things over and over again. They need a lot of different kinds of stimulation to keep them going. Temperament does play a pretty large role in what we find satisfying and unsatisfying in life.If you find yourself asking, "How can I change my life? you have already taken a step toward self-examination.Click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.