Early in July, writer and college professor Viet Thanh Nguyen wrote a guest essay for the New York Times titled “Advice for Artists Whose Parents Want Them to Be Engineers”. In it, he explored one of the toughest questions he fields from students and other young people: “What should I do when I have a dream, but my parents want me to pursue something else?”
Jane Rubin, Ph.D., talks about why Nguyen’s advice, while helpful for some people, may not be enough to help everyone feel confident about making life decisions their families oppose.
What are your clients’ experiences with coaching?
Coaching is often great for finding motivation and setting goals. But, for people who want to take a direction that’s different from the direction their parents want them to take, coming to the point of being able to make their own decisions often involves more than just setting intentions and making checklists.
For example, in the essay mentioned above, Professor Ngyuen makes suggestions such as just “going for it” despite parental disapproval; being willing to accept parents’ tolerance if it’s unrealistic to expect their approval, or even being less than truthful with parents while embarking on a life course of which they disapprove. And, again, for some people, doing one or more of these things may be enough to get them over the hump. But, for many people, breaking with parents’ expectations is a frightening and difficult process. They’re involved in an internal struggle that they need help navigating.
Why do you think clients have such difficulty overcoming parental objections to their desired life path?
All of us want to please our parents. When our parents have very specific expectations for us, and we reject their expectations, it can feel like we’re rejecting them.
The issue here usually goes beyond career choice. We can feel that, not only did we choose the wrong career, but in doing so, we demonstrated that there’s something wrong with us--that we’re ungrateful, foolish, irresponsible, or selfish. Sometimes we just feel that we’re “bad”. With these clients, a lot of the work involves helping them come to a sense of their own identity that’s separate from the identity their parents insisted they adopt.
There can be other, complicated issues at play, as well. Some parents claim that they want their children to succeed, but are actually unable to tolerate their children's success and go out of their way to undermine them, even as they claim they’re being helpful. It can be very hard to untangle these conflicting messages without the help of a trained therapist.
How do clients know whether life coaching or psychotherapy is right for them?
I assume that the people who just need practical advice aren’t the people who show up on my doorstep. But if people find that they consistently procrastinate, avoid follow-through, or struggle to get started, there is some sort of internal block that eventually leads them to seek therapy.
In my practice, I’ve seen a number of people who worked with life coaches. They received really good advice. The problem was that they didn’t follow through on any of it. That’s a pretty strong indication that something more is happening that deserves a deeper look.
What should people who feel “stuck” do?
If you’ve tried to resolve these issues on your own, or if you’ve worked with a coach or career counselor, and you still find yourself unable to move forward, that’s a pretty good indication that a psychological conflict is holding you back. That means it’s time to consider therapy.
Therapy can help you understand why you allow your parents’ wishes to take precedence over your own. Why do you feel that they’re right and you’re wrong? What are you afraid will happen if you follow your own path? Why do you seem to undermine yourself just when you seem to be resolved about choosing your own course?
The answers to these questions are usually complicated. But the more you come to know yourself, the easier it will be to break free of your parents’ expectations and live the life that’s best for you.
Are you struggling to find your life path? Please click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.
Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay, and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.