For me, the most daunting challenge of starting a website was facing up to the fact that I'd have to write on a regular basis. I don't like to write. I consider not having to write one of the perks of my work as a therapist.I struggled for months over how to communicate regularly to my subscribers. I thought about a podcast. I thought about using other people's articles. Neither of those alternatives felt right.One night as I was falling asleep I realized that the struggles I was having with writing might be related to the struggles of finding a life path. I thought that if I wrote about my writing struggles, I might be able to say something useful about finding your life path. Thus was born
LOST HIGHWAY BLUES RULES OF THE ROAD
My friends know that I have certain principles for living my life. One of them is Rubin's Principle of Vacations. This principle states that, when I go on vacation, I never go from a warmer place to a colder place.When I think about how I found my life path and how the people I work with have found theirs, I realize that I have developed some general guidelines for this, as well. In this and the following editions of this newsletter, I'll talk about some of these principles and how they might apply to your life. So, here is the first Lost Highway Blues Rule of the Road:
DON'T DO WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT (Just Because You're Good At It)
When I was in junior high school, I didn't know how to talk about my deepest feelings. I began writing poetry as a way to express them.I turned in some of my poems for English class assignments. My teachers loved them. They submitted them to writing contests and had me read them in class. Before I knew it, I had become known as a writer.The problem, as I discovered over the next few years, was that I didn't like to write-not on a regular basis, at least. I had started to write out of emotional need. When the need was less urgent-because I had people to talk to or music to listen to or activities that felt emotionally meaningful-I had no desire to write. But I kept on writing because I expected it of myself and others expected it of me.My writing probably helped me get into college. So, even though I was most interested in studying religion, I took a creative writing class my freshman year. I found the class very difficult. When other students read their work in class, I felt that writing came naturally to them. I was laboring at it and still not doing very well.After much internal struggle, I decided to give up creative writing. I had to deal with many emotions-a sense of failure, a loss of identity, a worry that I had disappointed my English teachers. Mostly, however, I felt a tremendous sense of relief.
You should feel relief, not grief.
Are doing what you're doing just because you're good at it and not because you're passionate about it? Are you thinking about giving it up and doing something different?One sign that you're making the right decision is a sense of relief. If you feel relieved about what you're giving up -not that you really miss it, not that you're longing to get back into it, not that you're envious of the people who still do it-there's a good chance that it's not your path.
"I want to do something different. I know it's the right decision. But I don't feel relieved."
If you're pretty sure you're making the right decision and you don't feel relieved, there may be other issues involved. You may feel guilty. You may be worried that you will disappoint other people. You may be anxious about giving up something that you know how to do for something less certain.There are many reasons that people can make a decision that's right for them but not feel good about it. If you genuinely believe that you're making the right decision but you still feel conflicted about it, psychotherapy can help you resolve your conflicts and feel good about your decision.
"I've quit things before with a sense of relief only to regret my decision later. I don't think the feeling of relief is a trustworthy guide to making life decisions."
You're absolutely right. The sense of relief is one sign that you're on the right track but it can never be the only one. In upcoming articles, I'll talk about other ways to figure out if you're heading in the right direction to finding your life path.That said, however, I think it's usually a mistake not to question whether you want to keep doing what you're doing if you're dissatisfied and your main reason for continuing to do it is that you're good at it.I welcome all comments and questions. Though you will have to provide an email address, your comments can be anonymous. I also screen all messages so this will be a safe place to post.