One of the more difficult situations in life is recognizing that an important life choice hasn’t worked out. We’re very aware of how difficult it is to end a long-term relationship, but we often don’t fully grasp how difficult it is to come to terms with other life choices that don’t go as we had hoped. That’s why we’re talking to Dr. Jane Rubin about what to do when our life plans don’t work out.
How Do You See People Question Their Life Choices?
I often work with people who are trying to succeed in fields where the competition is very intense. I’m thinking particularly of people who are trying to become artists or academics. They’re very good at what they do and they work very hard but, through no fault of their own, the odds are often against them. Very few people succeed in these fields because the jobs just aren’t there.I’ve also worked with many people who have been successful in their fields but don’t find their work fulfilling. Sometimes they’re able to find a more satisfying career but, often, this isn’t possible. Thus, they need to come to terms with the choices they’ve made in a way that allows them to find meaning and satisfaction in other areas of their lives.
What’s the “Real Reason” Why Things Don’t Work Out?
That’s a really good question. It goes to the heart of the issues people struggle with when they’re in this difficult situation. Everyone I’ve worked with who hasn’t been able to realize her life dream has blamed herself. Even though people know how hard it is to succeed in their chosen field, and even though they recognize that they’ve done everything humanly possible to succeed, they still hold themselves responsible when things don’t work out. In our culture, we have a very powerful myth that says that you can do anything you set your mind to. This myth can be very motivating when things are going well. It can keep us in the game by convincing us that everything is under our control. But, when things don’t go well, it can become very deflating. It only gives us one way of explaining our failure to ourselves and that implies that we must have done something wrong.
What Should They Do?
Often, the first thing people need to do is allow themselves to experience grief. At a certain point, feeling the full range of difficult emotions—sadness, disappointment, hopelessness—that accompany a loss is less painful than continuing to bang your head against the wall. The myth that you can do anything you put your mind to can convince you that continuing to bang your head against the wall is heroic. In fact, I think it’s more heroic to acknowledge the reality of the situation and, in time, begin to think about other possibilities.
Do They Have to Completely Give Up on Their Dreams?
Not at all. People often get into a kind of all-or-nothing thinking when they’re confronting this kind of loss. They think they have to completely give up their music or their art and “face reality”.While it may be true that they won’t be able to support themselves as artists or musicians, there are plenty of opportunities to play music or do art. They won’t bring in much money—or any money, for that matter—but they are satisfying in every other way. I can’t tell you the number of people I know who are very talented musicians who play at night or on weekends when they’re not doing their day jobs. I know many other people whose art is the center of their lives even though they do something else for income. Many academics find satisfying work outside of the academic world. You don’t have to give up your passion when you realize that you need to do something else for a living.
How Can You Shift Your Priorities?
The most important thing is to take the blame off yourself. As long as you’re preoccupied with blaming yourself, you’re convincing yourself that there’s something wrong with you that has undermined your opportunities for success. If you believe this about not being able to work in your chosen field, you’re probably going to believe it about other life choices, as well. It’s much easier to start considering other possibilities if you can hold onto the idea that disappointment in one area of life won’t prevent you from finding satisfaction in other areas. Unfortunately, this is often easier said than done. If you’ve suffered a deep disappointment and are having trouble getting past self-blame, work with an understanding therapist can help you get your life back on track. Click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.