When we think of people who lack direction in life, we’re often tempted to think of them as “lazy” or “unmotivated”. But blaming people for their lack of direction in life doesn’t help them find it. This month, we’re talking to Dr. Jane Rubin specifically about idealization and its role in providing direction in life.
What Is Idealization?
The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut thought that one of the most important needs we have as infants and children is the need for caregivers to calm and soothe us when we’re distressed. To have this experience, we need to feel that the adults in our lives are calmer and stronger than we are. Kohut believed that early experiences of being calmed and soothed lead us to idealize the adults who provide these experiences for us. This idealization, in turn, gives us a foundation for being able to devote ourselves to ideals greater than ourselves as we become adults. The values provided by our ideals guide us in living our lives. But, if we haven’t had idealizable figures in our lives when we were young, it can be very difficult to believe in anything outside of ourselves when we become adults.
How Does Lack of Idealization Manifest Itself?
It manifests itself in several ways. I’ve had patients whose parents or grandparents were the victims of terrible trauma. Some were Holocaust survivors. Some were victims of gun violence. Some were victims of domestic abuse. Because of their history of trauma, my patients’ caregivers experienced the world as very dangerous. They were never able to convey a sense of calm and safety to their children. Instead, my patients learned that they should always be on guard and never fully trust anyone or anything. They could never let themselves believe in anything outside themselves because they were afraid that their trust would be exploited.
How Else Does Lack of Idealization Occur?
Many of my patients have had the opposite experience. Their parents were so afraid of forcing any beliefs on them that they didn’t try to influence them in any direction whatsoever. These patients feel lost. They have some vague sense of what it would be like to have a strong direction in life, but they don’t know how to get there. Their early experiences didn’t give them any basis for feeling that they could depend upon people who were stronger and more experienced to guide them in life. It doesn’t occur to them that they can have people like that in their lives as adults. They don’t look for mentors or role models even in situations where those people are available to them.
Are There Any Other Ways Lack of Idealization Happens?
Yes. I’ve had many patients whose parents had very strong ideals. Some of their parents were activists. Others were leaders in medicine, academics, or other fields. My patients’ parents wanted them to get a good education and to use that education to do good in the world. However, my patients felt so pressured by their parents’ expectations that they felt they could never meet them. They tried to set very low expectations for themselves so they wouldn’t run the risk of failure. But just ended up feeling lost and directionless.
Do You Think There is a Middle Ground?
I do. Though therapy can never be a substitute for what we didn’t experience in childhood, many of my patients have found that the experience of sharing their hopes and fears with a trusted, non-judgmental therapist has given them the ability to find the direction in life they never thought they would find. Some of my most satisfying experiences as a therapist have been helping people find meaning in their lives. It is rewarding to watch them go on to lead lives that matter to themselves and others.Click to learn more about finding your life path with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.Jane Rubin, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She works with individuals in Berkeley, Oakland, the East Bay and the greater San Francisco Bay Area who are struggling with depression and anxiety. She also specializes in working with people who are trying to find meaning and direction in their lives.